Stupid lump of Stupid

I lost a few of my happymade sketches, and that makes me angry.
But what makes me so sick in the stomach that I could evaporate out of sheer sickinthestomachness, is that I've lost so many beautiful people to my stupidity that its coming down on me now like an ugly illconstructed building without the slightest movement in the tectonic plates. God. Oh godgod whatddoooidooooo.

So, yes lets update this space.

I want to do crazy things to my blog but I've never been lazier.And I kinda like this lazy.I have realised that  the television is super important to keep me from stagnance, in the absence of its constant senseless buzzing in the background, I just cannot function as a proactive human being. Calm doesn't agree with my system unless I'm stoned out of my wits or something.Thankfully, I also stumbled upon a tv in the hostel basement where I dont have to fight off people or have them constantly change chanels, plus there's a huge platform at a safe distance from the tv where I can spread my shit around and work while the tv's in full blast, very neat arrangement that.I like saying tv a lot is why I keep bringing it up in conversation even when you're say talking about the super important presentation we must give in by tomorrow. Who cares when I can break into TV!

In other news, I have started drawing women again.
The weird part is, in all senses of the term. Ahem. But when have we ever minded attention?

blogger has

something called 'Undelete this blog'  for deleted blogs.


WTF you cant even feel the triumph at killing something substantial on electronic medium anymore.

Should've Made a Deal

If I've added my birds to your treasures of song,

The winds will blow too, whenever I'm gone.

But when the waltz whistles, nestles in your cochlear

Put your heart in place before I lend you the ear.

i think i've put myself in a place where i don't know how to lift myself up and where to get to but the nagging suspicion of this not being where i should be always always lingering man its not pleasant i would do yoga if that could fix it

hello! to high and dry

MYYYYYYYYYYY HEAVY HEART
SINKS DEEEEEEP
                            DOWN
                                          UN-
                                                  DER

you.

I am crazy.

But what I should be, is a Suicide Expert. Should start a Suicide Hotline, give Suicide advise and publish books on The Gruelling Way to Suicide, name myself the SUICIDE GURU and help all you little suicidal bunnies find your smashing ending.

WHY.

My life is a pathetic little circus again, and this time there's just dying elephants and accident prone gymnasts. I have in effect turned into a completely obsessive eccentric, and its not all comic anymore.

In other news, I just realised a few things about myself.Like I don't really have preferences for this particular TYPE of ...things. Like, Irish men or dark chocolate (God, I LOVE dark chocolate but will gobble with the same amount of delectation when there's milk chocolates in question).But I am extremely choosy about particular cases all the same.

Also, I dig the idea of killing people so much that I seem to have recurring dreams about it, complete with all the chasing and screaming and murderous facial expressions etc. All that's missing is the concluding spurt of blood, my brain, well what do I say. It's a smart little bugger that knows its limits. But the following mornings have always been wrought with insane urges to really really stuff some knives into some chests and tummies and faces (try stabbing faces with multiple cutting instruments in your dreams, kiddos. epic gore, that) and pull out intestines and wrap them around some bleeding, mutilated faces. This is a morning for such lighthearted foolery, care to join me?


Blog hopping may be fun, but getting carried away and blog HUNTING and reading those which really, really should be made off limits for you (like say your Maths teacher's fantasy blog, which is just an example VERY distant from the cause of my woes at the moment) can make you want to do the things described in the earlier paragraph to yourself. I wish I had something to take my mind off these things but well, I'm at home. I do these things to get away from the oppressive home environment in the first place, and I just happened to be seeking comfort in the wrong places of late.

Plus, there's ulcers in my MOUTH that take the cake. : X

On a slightly cheerier note, I am rediscovering my love for Roald Dahl and Black n White movies and ruining artwork (well at least I do START with something now, and instead of the abandoning, I'm doing the ruining which has got to be a learning experience in some distant world I do not seem to be in myself). I'm growing a little too tired of bitterness flowing to my fingertips so I think I should stop typing immediately, so, so long and thanks for all the intestines.

I'm going to tell you one thing I know for certain about myself- allergic or not, I will always hate vodka. Today is very hot like every other day now but today I had to walk to college and stay there for 2 goddamned hours just to get very worked up about every other person's attitude towards the upcoming jury AND one permission letter. Too hot for people so I asked them to not meet me, this one time that I had any at all. Ho Ho. What is with me and the persistent non existence of my social life. Its too hot even for question marks and right punctuation,and I really dont need your answers.So then I came back to my room, danced to Belly Dancer and imagined to have no self respect at all so I can make myself type this out. Right now I cannot make myself carry on with life with the same conviction as always (conviction you will never find reflected in my attitude, no, its all in my head, its the secret life of Malter Witty) because I cant have my poison, nobody is willing to go score. What does it mean to have a resolution and stick to it man, I will never know.

Besides that, this is good. Tomorrow im going to visit an orphanage, as if the disabled home I keep visiting wasnt fucking with my brain enough. I'm hoping it gets done with without me feeling a strange obligation to go back there, I hope that place is a corporate bitchhole, I hope I come back with something to crib about, ready with words and jabs at whatever i see and not wrapped in thick layers of silence. What i really want to do is be a bitch, go clubbing and break an ankle. But no the whole point of this rant is, vodka sucks, baba chai.

WHY

do i do this every time? i fall, i embarrass myself, i turn my life a into a huger lump of shit each time but i don't learn. trouble is, i have my fun while i do it. the fun element shouldn't exist, or i'll never stop.somebody do something to the universe to make it recognise my extreme desperation and conspire ALONG with me, and not AGAINST me.

what the fuck.

weird life i have. can mostly be passed off as non existent, yet i seem to have no time for ANYTHING these days. not even sleeping. and i always complain about how bored i am, or how deep in shit i happen to be, but that's all there is to it. i thought i'd finally write a long and descriptive blogpost about everything that's been going on but i feel too goddammed sleepy, so ill pass.oh so this one girl in the hostel has an iball graphic tablet which is what i used to make that image in the beginning of the post oh hell do i suck or what. ok so what else.lets see. i bought two jholas yesterday and busted a lot of money. i've been eating too much and gaining weight. the college canteen seems to be quite alright now. i now own purple eyeliners. two ya.i actually dozed off while typing the last sentence, which, as you mustve noticed, had just two words.

ok so guess what. ill update later.

envy,etc.

misery is a bubblegum. i love it.
im back home and this is my first drawingthingydoodlelala in ages.

realisation again

things wont EVER get better. just goes downhill even when you're like in the deepest trench possible.

O BTW

i got published on dogzplot.

check my poem here clickclick

Places to go.

Ok so here is an update. and the title is misleading.
I'm gonna suck at pretending that i have audience here, so lets just get on with a journal entry im too lazy to put to paper.

• We went for a trip to Puri. Each day there= bad hair day.Bright coloured houses and scooters (fluorescent green,pink,yellow) and nice windows.VERY nice windows.Temples and all that jazz. ONE good private beach. A LOT of eating and even more sleeping. Tanned arms and intact face and my inability to understand such behaviour of my skin.And a fucking spoilt lens which resulted in ZERO decent pictures. the only one that comes close is this: (no editage except a lil crop and a border)

oh and example of brightcolouredwallswithnicewindows:

shittypic taken with dad's phonecamera.

• Went and visited grandma etc. after centuries. slept for 14 hours of the day i was there.




• Did nothing.




• Visited nicelinks like this one.Action poetry.




• Got bipoler-er by the second.




• Yelled fuckyou more than i ever have.




• ..and im stopping the loving getting in- KT tunstall.




• I get a little bored of life.

While im waiting to cross over, while im ready to go

i feel like im dead and waiting to cross over to the otherside but im stuck in a void.
i can imitate a wall and suck at that too. i can imitate your clothes and i'll prolly be worse at it than anything else in the world.today somebody told me im boring and being this dull is a turn off and thats nice, they like it. like dude haha. whenever im sitting im either peeling skin off my arms or off my soles. my favorite hobby is to give myself red bleeding lips from all the skin-peeling. when i drop my phone it makes me happy and i look down with a smile but it never breaks. i need to step out of myself.

Prayer before Death(?)

today, with seven new clouds
in the sky of a wednesday,
i look first at the mirror
and then i look your way

i see the skies are stagnant
underneath the heavy weight
of empty grief accumulating
on the wrong side of wind breaks

today, with drooping treetops
today with still no rain,
like everyday- a promise
i must compulsively break

so with my geography book dying
psycho lying in my wait,
i pray - DO ME A FAVOUR GOD
AND HELP ME CONCENTRATE.

-
yes we ALL need somone to blame. agnosticity be damned.
do you see what this does to me? it makes me RHYME. that's something i havnt done in a year and a half.
or something.
BLAH.IN CASE I HAVNT MENTIONED IT, IM BLOODY DOOMED AND AM DOING ABSOLUTELY *NOTHING* TO BETTER THE SITUATION.

(still listening to badonkadonkey. \bornruffians/ INDIE FOREVAR!)

Ms.Lovline is not a lonely person.

Ms. Lovline just has certain issues.

• The windows are all closed.Always.
• The cat is grey.
• The switch is blown out.
• The clock is retarded and is evaporating.
• The ghost isn't scary.
• The cactus is nearly dead, but not entirely.
• She has no real issues.
• The makeshift sky has a raincloud.
• She cant stop smiling.

I have certain issues:

• my scanner sucks which makes most bits of the picture blurred.
• i cant paint.
• the rain isn't showing.
• my scanner sucks.
• i cant paint.
• i lost my new set of water colours.
• i have a new mole on my right wrist.
• i exaggerate.
• i think i have a tumor in my left ear.
• i cant spell tumor right in one go.
• i cant spit.

who wants to buy my prints? who who?

email:shriparnasarkar@yahoo.com

DOODEL.

ONLY PASTALZ. AND TAXCHAR ADDED. doodelmood.

IN OTHER NEWS, IM DOOMED FOR REAL THIS TIME. THIS IS NO JOKE. AND IN ONE MONTH'S TIME IM GOING TO BE SERIOUSLY SUICIDAL. SAVEMEIFYOUCAN.

or if you wantto.WAHNOBODYWANTSTO.

D:

count your blasseengs

pathetic time ive been having, really. in general. as always. pathetic new year, birthday my fucking foot, santa claus never really existed anyway, mothers always do (ignore this, really).


BUT.


good thing is, good things dont not happen,yknow.
so i am cranky with everyone i know. im a bastard that way, without meaning to be, but how is that an excuse heh :P and some people take in all the shit i keep throwing in all directions,andstill give me reasons to sing ..

YOUAAAAALWAYSTOOKMEWITTTTHASMILEWHENIIIIIWASDOWNNNNNNNN

(from-on mercury. happymaking song anyway.by RHCP.i want to eat their faces. diggable peoples.)

moving on, the goodstuff. (in order of occurrance)

factor#1(fragrating agent): SD gives me smiley pebble smelling of, as i was told, axe aftershave.listen dood, i havea thing for pebbles. dont laugh at me. i like that pebble and people dont give me pebbles so there. this makes it to the list.

factor#2 (de-pissingoff agent ) : emomail from sneha. i cant handle emo, mens.and since i was sloshedwhen i read it, it was worse. holy crap, it WAS.didnt speak to her for two days straight because i didnt know what to say and i end up not bringing things up later,usually, giving the impression im taking everything for granted. cant help, man. i suck at these things.




..she painted that for me. LALALA ACRYLICS ON RED(WHATEVERITSISCALLED)PAPER.she's a star and im a pile of jonjaal. xD oh but thassok with her, so why complain *!*
factor #3 (WATTOSAY): SHRAVANTHI'S LETTER <3 AAAAAAAAAA AND REACHING ON TIME.
factor #4(cheeringup/comfortingagent):

I'll sit by you near the ruins and make you
a daisychain of smiles and forgetmenots,
so when the astrologer passes by we can
laugh in his face (together) and tell him
you have friends.

shrutiperson.wrotepoemphormeonly.wattosay.:)

factor #5(ridding insecurities): PK agreed to adopt me.holy jizz. i can be their daughter. can you beat that? NO SIR NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. so yeah, when im not being a loosar at trying to make it as a phuchka waali or somesuch, im gonna be at home with mommy and daddy, (leaving them alone mostly, yeah. rest assured, you two) eating out of their refridgerator.

wait.

im going to be a joey. i just KNOW it. she's always going to be like monika too, i have a feeling.

anyway, point is, they cant change their mind after THIS. no effin way.

:dances:

facor #6 (MAJORHAPPYMAKINGGRINGRINGRINSMILESMILESMILEAWWINDUCING agent)

. The Ship by ~Babrus on deviantART

BARBRA DREW ME A PICTUR OF ME. in addition to my dA avatar, even my ID is by him now. blah. xD :dancesmoarandmoar:


ohcool something just pissed me off enough to make me stop typing anymore happythings. LISTEN.forgive me.iloveall, but am pissed off. no elaboration.