I feel deceased.
Ask the dust.
Today I woke up in the middle of my dream while I continued sleeping. I only remember it now because the feeling came back to me about two hours after I was officially awake- like a phone call from a recently visited spa- but that never happens. Spas never really call you to say 'Hello, I remember you and that's all I have to say'. Although I've never really been to one, so I have no idea either way. Recently, a friend of a friend happened to offer me a discount coupon which offers a 400 rupee discount on some serious spa business. This is true. And probably a good thing.
I have no memory of what was going on before, or what transpired after this moment which comes back in vague traces of remembrance, but I remember the moment- suddenly wide awake and aware that this is important. For some inexplicable reason, this is significant and it will choke you but not really. You only think it will choke you but its probably just turning into a turtleneck, for winter is coming. I took a step outside the building entrance- the momentum of a hurried sprint down the stairs featuring prominently in my mindbody.Eager for something, nobody knows what, but there I was- 11, restricted, with that moment as the only exemption from my physiological bondage - a leap of faith. An overused phrase I'd never have recognised as a part of my own vocabulary, but was ingrained in my brain as that step out of the building every evening, at least most- somewhere inside a vertical stretch of downward sloping land called the officers' quarter for Indian Oil, Siliguri.
I would be lying if I said I remember exactly which way the threshold sloped. But I saw it then and that was it, the cracks exactly where they'd been years ago.What I recall now is more or less just the feeling of being midair during the calculated leap across the little slope that would help me land exactly across from where I was a moment ago. The foot hitting the concrete, the image of the footwear- both lost.
Today I bought new shoes. I'd show you but I don't think it matters anymore. I wish it still did. One pair is bright red.