butwhat?

i didnt let you be the tethered memory as
i would have liked, you only within
the circumference of a thousand nautical miles
around the forbidden island that was love
or something like the insides of an alcoholic;
one can never tell if it exists.

remember the lines i had
borrowed from the hindi teacher, stretched them till they
were your essence
soaked in melancholy and made heavy?
they might haunt me tommorow
as i write an exam, i dont think i can
come up with a quirky essay then.

what are you now? strewn around pages
among strips of teen angst, bitter pills
and attempts
at feigning a laugh?
shown around to all who would care to read
a silly gypsy's heartlines..
maybe wine and laughter
of a lost muse
or just unattempted, anomalous poetry.


i didnt let you be a comicstrip
on my scrapbook a redheartshapedblot on
my journal an old forgotten photograph
stowed away in the last drawer of my
lungs nothing i could deny the existence of.
all i did was
predicting rightly all the wrongs
that could cause the silence,
fools do this always and become
cardiologists.
if i could have a candle (mother
hides them away she says im
too clumsy for fire), i would burn
burn all the logical music
till they learn to shut up and smile.
they only speak of crashes, of
the fall the loss the end like i do,
keeping me on the right track when i need
to run amok.
if there ever was a fire that could,
i would burn them in you..
(but perhaps she was right
i was too clumsy for flame when
it came along)

what would you be a decade hence?
not rain nor the flowers you
once made me, they arnt charming to look
at anymore- they speak of couldhavebeens
that make my head reel under
the volume of their virtual spark.
what, then?
maybe the midnight sighs in
my sleep, softer than
the breeze that touches my lips and dies
sighs like secrets only the night can keep,
mysteries only i find enticing.
or you could be a schizophrenic's
favourite source of daylight,
and if im not the victim, i'd be
the shrink and steal you away;
place you carefully inbetween my palms,
retire from this heathen shell
and chant you until
you are my freedom.

there are things i so know i mustnot bedoing and am always so firm about NOT doing them but it seems like some sudden convergence of forces inside my sillyhead makes me do it anyway and then i ALL i can do is repentrepentrepent feeling like a piece of rusteddidcardedjunkjewellery which was never used anyway.
how silly.
how absurd.
how fucking loserish.
ANGER seems to be therapautic. no really i feel angry mad outraged at myself it helps me keep my mind off the distress about how ATTENTIONSEEKING THE ENTIRE THING MAKES ME LOOK.

MY MOM IS ALWAYS RIGHT.AND I MUST NEVER LISTEN TO WHATSHEKEEPSMUTTERING CAUSE ITS TURNING ME INTO JUST WHAT SHE SAYS I AM AND WOULD BECOME. NO THIS ISNT RELEVANT NOTHING MATTERS AAAAAAAA THIS IS THE END.

p.s.: i also wanted mylastpost to be chuckedaway cause i dont like it anymore.

[edit]
p.p.s: i didnt wanna have another post for this so :

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are aloof, mysterious, and distant. People feel like they really don't know the true you... Yet they're still drawn to you, almost by magnetic force. Underneath it all, you don't even really feel like you know yourself. It's easier to put on a front than really think about your life's purpose. You tend to seem pretentious, but it's just a mechanism you use to push people away.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

pretentious.
no thats just to hide how dumb a loser i am. just like every other wannabe kid you find.

soon-to-be discarded song.

wild child cecilia
smelt like wild romance
ice tea in her breath
as she teaches stars to dance

she smiled and got me curious
but before i could get some paint
she said
i'd have stopped to pose for you
but ive got other plans

wild child cecilia
ran round the streetlight pole
marking the sidewalk with a score of suns
as i watched the night unfold

i followed her as she walked like a rhyme
smoking puffs of dreams
winking at the moon like she owned the sky
insoluble as she seems

wild child cecilia
looked back as she ran
yelling
i'd have stayed right in your dreams
if i had no other plans

this could be no ordinary girl
this could be no ordinary love

(get me some paint as i sing her now)
this could be could be no ordinary love..




now it was either a dream or just a vision
like an image i wanted to draw
but before i could put it on paper, it came out as..a song.


the girl's name was America in the beginning yknow. America yes.
but then i called her cecilia.i mean in the dreamilke state i called out to her and i addressed her as Cecilia. idunno the inside of my head is mad.

and its VERY silly. no really iknow its silly but i still wanna draw her. i wish i could do it wellenoughbutsigh. this is goingtobe another one of those discarded songs cause the tune [yes there IS one] is a shit boring dumbone but the blog's a dumpingplace anyway so i didnt think it'd hurt to post this. so well.

a link you'll prolly miss.

this.
and they ask me why i
speak of nothing but
pipedreams and songs of the fall

i must be waiting for the time
when our kitchen
clocks will only remember to
spell d-o-o-m.

shouldnt take much long.

wrote this ages back when political issues were being sotalked about.
didnt think of posting cause itsnt postable. but aleast the post isnt seemingly empty.

live forever..

falling into infinisea by ~weevilgirl on deviantART


fullview, plis. click on the damn pic, yes. =P
this was DURING the eve exam. at the back of the question paper. finished the 3 hour paper in 45 mins i dont think i wrote much no. end of discussion.





beforeyoureachneptune by ~weevilgirl on deviantART

and this, was for shay. something i had maded ages back and i just could NOT complete it cause i was lazy. now its done and scanned and uploaded. tada!

and BOTH are related to the song live forever (oasis) yeah. the first has its lyrics and in the second, the girl there, which would be me yes, is singingthat song.no she isnt yelling she's singyelling. xD like i was while drawing em.

p.s: one of my favouritest blogpages that i used to read silently has made itself private im MORE THAN HEARTBROKEN DUDE.or no. DOODS. :'[

daybefore e.v.e.exam. today, thatis.

some pictures remain achingly similar no matter now much overlapping is done.
sheesh.

yes so that'd be the sun, my head, my foot and my shoeslipperthingy in the elevatorsized balcony right the day before e.v.e. exam.
and it will be notsonice of you to ask me tommorow about how the exam went.will make me sad.

rewind

'..i wouldve asked myself if i wasnt such a wimp..'

haha nomoreoneareya? begood.
:)

sam:do you realise that the last working day of class 11 for us is the v-day?
me: *rolling eyes* yeah. that calls for something dramatic to be done? i guess i should just go and tell [soandsoguyfromourschool] that im crushin on him? *rolling some more eyes* [:P]
sam: hahahha yeah imagine another year of having a guy you meet everyday blush everytime he looks at you. only you wont notice it so much since he's so dark.

and trust me, i laughed. really.at the ridiculousness of it maybe, i cant really tell. i laughed my freaking blazer off almost.

-----------------------------------------------
me: i feel so dead these days.. its not even funny.
sam: you were always dead ship, maybe its just getting more pronounced with age.
me:[O.o] the dead-ity?
sam: now you must write a dictionary.
-----------------------------------------------
me: its so so annoying how they're all convinced that we're such frustrateddepressedfemales just cause of that.
LD: yes! as if there arent better things to be depressed about.
...
and all is the drownings in a wave of wahhahhajdfahahakjghkjdsness.

ok i know i run the risk of liver enlargement [cirrhosis of the liver its called, LD tells me], and that it might just be half the reason for those evil, agonising antipersitaltic movements i am being victimised by, but in what godforsaken way is that related to CHOCOLATES [the ones that i hardly EVER get to have, mind you] ??
in the same way as talking on the phone is related to gastricitis. or however you spell it.

mothers.

somewhere like a madman's laughter in the dead of the night it rings like a madman's cries in your head.
far away from the happy apple chamber its all just a blur
there and here
we see another one of those shake you in your sleep.
yes we all thought it had faded away and we all made
merry trying not to fall asleep to
return to those empty
dreams empty like your eyes
and the insides of the priest who made you stare at the sun
but it shakes you now like the goddamned whistle of
that train that carries him home.

there's another side another shore and there's the burden of his wait the charm of his gait the smell you cant forget
too many allutions they're not the same him.
there are comets and glowworms and pigs trapped in your snort bubble it all bursts with the coming of winter as
you hold your heart against the pale snow
you forget reminding it to bleed or melt or fly
it just stays there like the moonshinedippedinpain you never
got around erasing from those wallsofclouds.

'Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an Iceberg
Waiting to change, But she's cold inside
She wants to be like the water ..'

and you will yourself into believing that
somewhere on the otherside of the tectonic
plate an apple chamber fills with smoke
and shines like a scar asthe stars dissolve in the madman's
verses that speak of the child the world the toys and
fate all lost in a maze in the hyperbolic
universe.

you see, its all just a part of the blur
the ache in the laugh
of the madman you blamed for the coming of winter.

but you were wrong there will be
heavier departures still and snort bubbles so
fragile it will shake you again like
the whistle of
the train of thought trapping you
in this sorry little repeated wintertale.




whichmakesnosense.


p.s.: i wrote this lastnight and didnt post since i thought i didnt do justice to it i still think so but what the heck i feel like a piece of shit make me disappear and aaaaa i need some chicken.and i wish i could call it crapattempsatpoetry but that'd be degrading such attempts anyway so bleh.

Dandruff.

ok look i dont like trivial things being given unnecessary attention. that was the first point. i find the madman across the street more desirable than tambi. is that ok with you now? im not about to hump either or them just yet, though. does that make you go ' ohshit no melodrama? ohno anticlimax.' ?
sad.
and i do not give right punctuation much importance no how sickly juvenile no?

and i am a boring person.i have not much to talk about neither the skill of making pettytalk about shoelaces sound all interesting and grippingly hilarious yes i suck yes that is just as funny as you think it is. i get to be the lamebuttofthejoke or the buttofthelamejoke yay whatfun.
and i dont have poetry inside me. neither music. no images no words no wintertales no songsofthespring empty like the priest in white. and as menacing as the beast at night what a silly and desperate attempt of my subconscious to rhyme i do not lie when i say it was unvoluntary. godpromise.
and i only come online to post here and lookat dA sometimes. yes thats it everything else feels like too much of a burden to me idont know why maybe you and i and we should let go? because idont feel like ..anything. its just that im too fickle maybe or too free to wander and be allconfined at random intervals disregarding everything else oh yes selfish is the word maybe why care? i dont feel like caring so much there lies the glitch.sheh.

i changed my about me yes thats all i had to say really.


p.s.: i can call my post anything i like aslong as it isnt causing environmental degradation inthe name of encouraging cultural events of social importance that mean nothing to them, iguess.
p.p.s.: i would like to pretend that ive purposely used a word that does not exist like i always do but no my dear jobless readers this once it was sheer dumbidity that made me type 'unvoluntary' quite..erm..unvoluntarily. =/

Today

I..
- performed at farewell forclass12s ,made myself looklikeafreak AGAIN onstage, forgot whattosingwhen, and my guitar wasnt heard thanks to the amazing soundpeople, just when i was doing the solo. hahaha.fuckingha.
[backstage. hahaha dont ask me. they take pictures whenever i look either like im raving or im up to something or like im about to collapse that very moment. either way, i look doped allthetime xD and that would be pranamita, aritra and kheya with me. l-r.]
- wastold ilooked cutevery and didnt snideback at thecomments forachange.
- almost had my ass upondisplay.dontevenask.
- discussed my underwear.
- MADE SHREYOSHI AN APPLE LIKE THE ONE SHE'S ALWAYS WANTED, TOOKIT TOSCHOOL, AND LOST IT THANKS TO SOME HORRIBLE PEOPLE WHO DONT BOTHER ASKING PEOPLE BEFORE TOUCHING THEIR THINGS AND JUST TAKING OUT COPIES AND SHIT AND GO MAKEMELOSEIT. AND THEN THREW A TANTRUM BUT THE LOST WAS NEVER FOUND.THEY ALSO USED TEH EXTRA PAGE. :/
- ATEANDATE ANDTHEN I WAS SO SO FULL THAT I COULDNT EAT MORE THAN ONE CHOCO MOUSSE CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? CAKE WAS YUM I THINK IHAD 3 PIECES. AND AND SO WASTHERICE AND AND MORE THINGS IMSTILLFULL :D
- told Tambi that he'scute for the firsttime in 2 freaking years, during which almost the wholeschool had heard that from me aleast 73664 times.we have NEVER spoken. haw xD
[ im screaming and singing timeofyourlife at the top of my fatabaanshtype voice on the streetoutsideschool(to pissoff soumi btw) with the whole soumiandpeoplegroup around me and i go like "...ITS SOMETHING UNPREDICTABLE BUT ...TAAAMBI YOURE CUTE." everyone stops to stare at me tambi gives the '..wha?!' look and then soumiandrushi burst out laughing and i can BET soumi is STILL laughing aboutit. and then i catch an auto and leave. XDDDD]
- yelled AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHIIIIIIII while a teacher was right next to me AGAIN AGAIN i didntknowshewas AND SHE WENT AAAAAAAAAAAAA SHRIPARNA YOU SHOUT SO MUCH HOW CAN SOMEONE AS TINY AS YOU SCREAM, LIKE,THAT LOUD?
- criedinpublic for a reason other than anger or outrage for..what i guess, was the first time. looking at aheli di while she was watching the presentation they had prepared for the 12s oh yes. this, mydearfriends, was the last [forafewcomingyearimean] actually verygood batch thats passing out of the school inmyopinion. the immediate next batch, we us yus, and the ones that come after us .. oh well -shakes head- nvm.
- decided that id post all of this.

yes so basically i turned a teeny bopper foraday and haha it isnt exactly something im ashamed of :P