i cant logonto orkut somehow. damn. so i will do this.

a tag i stole off panu's blog, promised to myself that i'd do it and for the umpteenth time i felt my promise to myself turn into a burden like no other.ok lets chuckit and begin.

all the lifesoandsoyearsagobusiness is approximate, and may stretch 2 to 3 years beforeorafter the specified time.

Life Ten Years Ago : was in the same city when it had a muchmore pleasing[to me] name, and revolved round geekiness, dancing, nicking bensiapencils only to return them unsuspectingly,more dancing, losing milkteeth and getting pictures of gapfulsmiles taken, Miss Anna in school, embarrassing singing exams, leading my group in some reading competition, and winning.

I and some of my schoolfriends used to make transactions in paper, of paper. writing pads, if you were curious. i coaxed shweta to get me writing pads in return of my services (which would consist mainly of me carrying her lunchbox around or suchlike) and rubberbands.or maybe i demanded rubberbands myself, i dont remember, but im sure those were involved. i was always a weird kid, only more of a nuisance at that when younger.

Life Five Years Ago: was in siliguri, was my 5th school and was fun.i had to play house with neighbourkids, with one of the youngest of them forever pretending to go around with daaru ka botal. i think it amused me, and i was always made Dr.Sonia , and could have my favourite thermocol phone all to myself, so i didnt complain all that much.
okno who am i kidding? i HATED that shit.
fell in love with chinkys, mountains and waiwai. dancing continued, singing was discovered as something i can get away with without being egged, and toward the end of that period, i think, i got my first guitar and made my first song. :D

oh also, i still had straight silky shiny dark hair .which would be cut short at regular intervals and whatever of it remains, has changed beyond recognition now. :\

Life Tomorrow:

life will be a fucking boon(or not) if it continues with its existence after we get the finalexamresults which are gonna be out in a few hours. so life tommorow, depends heavily on the results.shitshit.

Five Locations I would like to Run Away To:

i would say ANYWHERE ASLONG AS I AM TO RUNFUCKINGAWAY.
butstill.lesse.
1) random Mediterranean island.
2) Goa.
3) norway/finland. or both.
4) kashmir.
5) to a parallel universe,ruled by porcupines and lizards; or just to the JU premises for it felt good.

Five Bad Habits I Have:

swell question.i could go on till blogger disowns me for over usage.just five erm.
1) i cannot behave.the way a normal human being is expected to behave in a society.a family. a group or anything.but again, once you know me, you wouldnt even EXPECT normalcy, so thassok. but it gets on everybody's nerves in all the wrong ways.
2) i procrastinate.
3) overtly blunt, outspoken, and hence taken as rude.
4) i cannot be organised in anything-thoughts, actions, dreams, nothing. im messy, to put it subtly.and clumsy.you wouldnt want me to even begin on that.
5) i'm a little too absent minded for my own good, and careless in every possible way.
(there is another, prime disgusting habit o'mine, i wont tell you about *winks at LD*)

as plainly as i can put it, im not someone likely to be nominated for Miss Congeniality even after 8949892 years of training/grooming.

Five Things I Will Never Wear:

1) anything flashypink. or babypink. or sparkly gitterypink. oh just pink mahn.
2) a navel ring.
3) highheels or tie up sandals.or whatever you call em.
4) pointy brassieres.
5) your *points at you*
yes your knickers.
(and yes i would've heard your hugesighofrelief even if i were in italy or something, LD. but i never said i dont plan to steal em anymore.)

Five Biggest Joys at This Moment :
i just convinced mom to not wear this horribly dull sari to school (we're going to get the report card tralalalala)
heard that IM (my garrulousandoverenthusiastic classteacher) wont be around in school today, so we'll have to collect the report card from the librarian *chakki dance* (dont get ideas)
cant think of anything else. buy me a joy someone, ill pass you a smile.

Something to Achieve By Next Year:
getting decently good with the guitar, and get through ISC without another fitofpukeyness during a board exam. and feel peaceful about decisions i take, if i manage to take any, thatis. AND, if im lucky, getthefuckoutofthishouse.

Something that Impacted Me Last Year:
g.something of a loss. in a good way.
blogsphere. poetry.
art.music.
and mostly, meeting people like Shay, D, Say,Rawry,LD and certain others, all thanks to www. :P
and newprinci, in all the worst ways possible. like getting murderous ideas about murdering her into my head, for one. not healthy for a littilgirlhead.

What I Will Miss About 2007 :

whatever little remained of my wit and sense of humour, which, but now, have killed themselves having spent most of the end of that year wallowing in self pity.RIP.

Five Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

would include learning to play certain musicalinstruments aleast decently, and having eaten enough phuchkas to carry its taste over to the afterlife i dont believe in anyway. cant think of much else now.

and since i wasnt tagged by anyone, i aint supposed to really inflict this ..er.. tagbusiness on anyone else, but i still will, evil that i am.

so here i tag shruti, sayan, and LD,JD and keeper of stars [arunima], the only ones who might bother.

open

I tried saltwater rinsing, but your scent still
rims my nostrils like
the ghost of moments too blue to be
winnowed out of my being,
the sweet of your fanciful presence too
deep to be counteracted.
Caught a cold trying to nurse scraps of my sanity
zapping it altogether in the process.
Tried scraping impossibilities off my hopeful dreams
and like my fervent childhood attempts to scour
the big black birthmark from my right leg,
it left me exhausted and heavy
with a sense of defeat
and dull, damp lines
mocking poetry.

This disease gives me a reason to
press against itself, something to push for
And by this fall i will have forgotten how
your words spelt spring,
my fingers will be conditioned to reach for
backspace in case i still type your name
right in the dark.

...And when i have won my soul back from
your chance captivity
in a gamble with fate, i'll throw it at the whore's feet
the better to track it's impending treads; for
the exactness of instinct alone
triggers poisonguilt.




-------
a) i hate the word sweeetness
b) i need to stop sucking so bad
c) this is a lie.

understand.

who needs care ?
we have mannequins and superglue
and warped mirrors as an escape.
when there's foggy streets to dream up and dreams
that don't ever complain

of being confined to unavowed nooks of the attic ,
why pack the mind up in
heartshaped tinfoil?

ill sit through the show, laud your melodies
genuine.
never cut up
nor speak of the drought forming in my throat, ignore your
unwitting words
supply imaginary heartaches,
doves, balloons.
jazz up early summer afternoons
in case the sun hasn't grown bright enough

for your eyes, skin

and smile.

but don't speak to me
of love
before i've learnt to weep like a woman
in my sleep.

the sunny tint of superhero dreams is always
washed over with blue paint ,
but never in time,
never in the right manner.

our heads (too blocked yet noses always round
enough for the holes we punch through the surface of another's
histories, records, prescriptions) take comfort in the animated
exhaustion of vapid love until
we learn to stop seeking
peace in the marbles we trade
our innocence for.

butwhat?

i didnt let you be the tethered memory as
i would have liked, you only within
the circumference of a thousand nautical miles
around the forbidden island that was love
or something like the insides of an alcoholic;
one can never tell if it exists.

remember the lines i had
borrowed from the hindi teacher, stretched them till they
were your essence
soaked in melancholy and made heavy?
they might haunt me tommorow
as i write an exam, i dont think i can
come up with a quirky essay then.

what are you now? strewn around pages
among strips of teen angst, bitter pills
and attempts
at feigning a laugh?
shown around to all who would care to read
a silly gypsy's heartlines..
maybe wine and laughter
of a lost muse
or just unattempted, anomalous poetry.


i didnt let you be a comicstrip
on my scrapbook a redheartshapedblot on
my journal an old forgotten photograph
stowed away in the last drawer of my
lungs nothing i could deny the existence of.
all i did was
predicting rightly all the wrongs
that could cause the silence,
fools do this always and become
cardiologists.
if i could have a candle (mother
hides them away she says im
too clumsy for fire), i would burn
burn all the logical music
till they learn to shut up and smile.
they only speak of crashes, of
the fall the loss the end like i do,
keeping me on the right track when i need
to run amok.
if there ever was a fire that could,
i would burn them in you..
(but perhaps she was right
i was too clumsy for flame when
it came along)

what would you be a decade hence?
not rain nor the flowers you
once made me, they arnt charming to look
at anymore- they speak of couldhavebeens
that make my head reel under
the volume of their virtual spark.
what, then?
maybe the midnight sighs in
my sleep, softer than
the breeze that touches my lips and dies
sighs like secrets only the night can keep,
mysteries only i find enticing.
or you could be a schizophrenic's
favourite source of daylight,
and if im not the victim, i'd be
the shrink and steal you away;
place you carefully inbetween my palms,
retire from this heathen shell
and chant you until
you are my freedom.

there are things i so know i mustnot bedoing and am always so firm about NOT doing them but it seems like some sudden convergence of forces inside my sillyhead makes me do it anyway and then i ALL i can do is repentrepentrepent feeling like a piece of rusteddidcardedjunkjewellery which was never used anyway.
how silly.
how absurd.
how fucking loserish.
ANGER seems to be therapautic. no really i feel angry mad outraged at myself it helps me keep my mind off the distress about how ATTENTIONSEEKING THE ENTIRE THING MAKES ME LOOK.

MY MOM IS ALWAYS RIGHT.AND I MUST NEVER LISTEN TO WHATSHEKEEPSMUTTERING CAUSE ITS TURNING ME INTO JUST WHAT SHE SAYS I AM AND WOULD BECOME. NO THIS ISNT RELEVANT NOTHING MATTERS AAAAAAAA THIS IS THE END.

p.s.: i also wanted mylastpost to be chuckedaway cause i dont like it anymore.

[edit]
p.p.s: i didnt wanna have another post for this so :

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are aloof, mysterious, and distant. People feel like they really don't know the true you... Yet they're still drawn to you, almost by magnetic force. Underneath it all, you don't even really feel like you know yourself. It's easier to put on a front than really think about your life's purpose. You tend to seem pretentious, but it's just a mechanism you use to push people away.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

pretentious.
no thats just to hide how dumb a loser i am. just like every other wannabe kid you find.

soon-to-be discarded song.

wild child cecilia
smelt like wild romance
ice tea in her breath
as she teaches stars to dance

she smiled and got me curious
but before i could get some paint
she said
i'd have stopped to pose for you
but ive got other plans

wild child cecilia
ran round the streetlight pole
marking the sidewalk with a score of suns
as i watched the night unfold

i followed her as she walked like a rhyme
smoking puffs of dreams
winking at the moon like she owned the sky
insoluble as she seems

wild child cecilia
looked back as she ran
yelling
i'd have stayed right in your dreams
if i had no other plans

this could be no ordinary girl
this could be no ordinary love

(get me some paint as i sing her now)
this could be could be no ordinary love..




now it was either a dream or just a vision
like an image i wanted to draw
but before i could put it on paper, it came out as..a song.


the girl's name was America in the beginning yknow. America yes.
but then i called her cecilia.i mean in the dreamilke state i called out to her and i addressed her as Cecilia. idunno the inside of my head is mad.

and its VERY silly. no really iknow its silly but i still wanna draw her. i wish i could do it wellenoughbutsigh. this is goingtobe another one of those discarded songs cause the tune [yes there IS one] is a shit boring dumbone but the blog's a dumpingplace anyway so i didnt think it'd hurt to post this. so well.

a link you'll prolly miss.

this.
and they ask me why i
speak of nothing but
pipedreams and songs of the fall

i must be waiting for the time
when our kitchen
clocks will only remember to
spell d-o-o-m.

shouldnt take much long.

wrote this ages back when political issues were being sotalked about.
didnt think of posting cause itsnt postable. but aleast the post isnt seemingly empty.

live forever..

falling into infinisea by ~weevilgirl on deviantART


fullview, plis. click on the damn pic, yes. =P
this was DURING the eve exam. at the back of the question paper. finished the 3 hour paper in 45 mins i dont think i wrote much no. end of discussion.





beforeyoureachneptune by ~weevilgirl on deviantART

and this, was for shay. something i had maded ages back and i just could NOT complete it cause i was lazy. now its done and scanned and uploaded. tada!

and BOTH are related to the song live forever (oasis) yeah. the first has its lyrics and in the second, the girl there, which would be me yes, is singingthat song.no she isnt yelling she's singyelling. xD like i was while drawing em.

p.s: one of my favouritest blogpages that i used to read silently has made itself private im MORE THAN HEARTBROKEN DUDE.or no. DOODS. :'[